Letting Her Guards Down
by thelawfullife
Summary: "It was about her loneliness and the need to feel something more that night and he understood. He understood because he also knew that loneliness; he lived it every day." Set during Season 1/ Rated:T/ M for sexual content and language later!


**Here is a story from me. It's Brian and Olivia set during Season 1. Tell me what you think - I've just gotten started. **

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**Letting Her Guards Down**

**1. Chapter**

They have been seeing each other for two months now. Nobody knew and whatever they had could hardly be described as a relationship. It was more like an affair in which they went to a bar together after a case, got drunk and at one point they ended up at one of their places. No word shed about it the next day. They didn't even spend the whole night together most of the time. It was not like they were drunk every time they slept together. Sometimes one of them would text the other asking if they could come over and that was it. Not talking was their key, never talking about what they were and what it was between them.

He knew that he had feelings for her, he wanted more than just sex, he realized that before they slept together for the first time. It had been a rough day, a rough week, for all of them. Elliot was just happy to go home to his family and Munch declined Brians offer to go out for a beer making it just him and Olivia in the bar, exhausted, lonely and not sure why such cruelty they faced every day existed. They didn't talk much that night, already back then talking wasn't what they're best in.

He remembered looking at her while she drank the rest of her beer. She turned her head around facing him, a smile appearing on her lips. "What are you looking at, Cassidy?" she asked him.

"Nothing," he mumbled and drew his attention back to his own drink. That moment he knew that there was so much more about her than what she let everyone see. He saw it in her eyes, that there were so many hidden parts he wanted to get to know, good and bad.

She was the one who kissed him first and she was the one who said they should go to his place but he knew it wasn't about him. It was about her loneliness and the need to feel something more that night and he understood. He understood because he also knew that loneliness; he lived it every day. He tried to talk to her afterward, asking her out for a day, letting her know that he wanted to see her again but she made it pretty sure that for her it only was an one night stand. But still only a week later it happened again and now two months later they didn't stop and she still said it was an one night stand.

He knew that it still was not about him and it was okay for him. If he could make her feel good for just a short period of time he'd do that in a heartbeat.

/

She sat on her sofa starring on the black TV screen. It was a hard case and she could not get all those images out of her head. That little girl, Lisa, was just six years old when she died. Finally after years of sexual abuse from her own father she turned to a teacher. Finally she was trying to get help. A six year old girl reaching out for a stranger, she couldn't imagine how scared that girl must have been. Raped by her own father and a mother who didn't believe her.

The teacher didn't hesitate to call the police and Olivia and Elliot met the girl. She was devastated and afraid but Olivia could see the hope in her eyes that everything would be fine from now on, that she didn't have to experience that pain anymore. Three days later she was dead. Killed by her own mother. Lisa stayed with her aunt and her mother came over, saying she was sorry and that she wanted to talk to her daughter. She strangled her to death with a scarf.

Olivia felt a tear running down her cheek and she thought about calling Elliot, he must have the same pictures in his head. A pain shot through her as she once again realized that while she went home to an empty apartment he went home to a loving wife and four children. They spend so much time together that she often forgot that he had a life outside of the department. A life worth living for and that she wasn't part of it.

She thought about asking Brian to come over, anything to make her feel less lonely tonight. Brian. She didn't know what that was between them, she knew that he wanted more but what did she want? They didn't even know each other, they never talked. All she knew was that after they slept together she often acted like she was too tired or still too drunk to leave so she could stay in his arms for a few more hours forgetting the world around her. But did she really want him to be there or did she just need someone? He was such a nice and handsome guy and she knew that she treated him bad but she couldn't stop it. She couldn't make it official but she couldn't stop either.

But tonight she didn't want meaningless sex just because she asked him to come over. Tonight she wanted to be held, she wanted to feel a chest rising up and down under her cheek, feeling a heart beat against her skin. She wanted to feel a breath on her ear, warm and whispering that it was okay to let go sometime and that she was not alone.

She would not text him, she just couldn't.

Getting up she walked into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine, quickly turning it into two. The wine wasn't working and an hour and a bottle later she found herself back in the same position on her couch with the same images in her head, of a pale and cold and dead girl.

Debating about weather or not she traded her wine for something stronger she heard her phone ringing next to her. She picked it up and saw that she got a text from Brian.

"_Can I come over?" _she read. She bit her lip breathing heavily before she pressed the reply button.

"_I really don't feel like it tonight, Brian." _She didn't have to wait for long before her phone rang again.

"_I didn't plan anything. I know the case took you hard. Just as a friend." _The tears started to burn in her eyes again. She was not gonna cry now. She really thought about his question for a few minutes not knowing if it was a good idea to let him come over. He could get a false sign and she didn't want to lead him onto something that was not there. But in the end, she just didn't want to be alone and he was the only one who was as lonely as she was.

"_Ok." _She answered finally putting her phone back down before running her hands through her hair. What was she getting herself into? Just as friends, what does that even mean? They weren't friends. They knew nothing about each other.

She was startled as just fifteen minutes later there was a knock on her door knowing that he didn't live that close to her, even with good traffic it would have taken him at least 20 minutes. Looking through the hole she saw him holding a pizza cartoon in her hands. Slowly opening the door she realized tat the wine maybe hit her a little bit harder than she thought at first. She was not drunk but her head felt slightly lighter and that was always a dangerous part of her intoxication; when she wasn't quite aware of her actions and didn't think before she spoke.

"Hey," she said letting him in. He stepped into the apartment like he already did so many nights.

"Hey, I've got you food in case you haven't eaten, yet." he said letting his gaze wander through her apartment. He has never paid any attention to it until that very moment. He was always too busy trying to get her out of her clothes to look around for a quick moment.

"Why?" she asked as she walked back to her couch, sitting down and pulling her legs underneath her.

He just shrugged. "You said you never had anything in the house." He walked over and sat next to her.

He remembered every little detail she told him about herself, even though there were just a few. Sometimes when she had a glass too much she said little things like: _"I have like no food in the house. Ever." _, _"God, I really love the Beatles" _or _"In my opinion, the crust is the best about pizza." _He didn't know much about her but he cherished ever little bit and he couldn't help wanting to know more. Not just the little things.

"Thanks," she was a little stunned that he'd remember something like that.

They ate in silence, no one sure of what to say. They've never been together like that. Weird how people can have sex for months but can't spend a few hours together.

"How are you feeling?" he finally asked her on his second slice of pizza.

"I'm fine," she mumbled, leaning her head back against the couch, closing her eyes.

"Right. That's why to drowned that whole bottle of wine?" He was facing the empty bottle and the glass that were still placed on the table. Olivia opened her eyes, slightly shaking her head in frustration.

"What do you want me to say?" she spat at him.

"I don't know. The truth."

"Alright. I can't get Lisas face out of my head as she thought she was finally save. And now she is dead! She was six. She had her whole life ahead of her." She got up and walked over to the window looking out on the city for a while before turning around, her arms crossed in front of her. "And I don't even know why I'm talking to you about that."

Those words shot a pain through his chest but he tried not to let her see that. He knew she thought he was just a dumb cop, she probably wondered why the hell he transferred to the Special Victims Unit . "Because I face the same shit every day." he answered slowly, getting up making his way towards her. She didn't respond, just starring at the floor, praying the tears that blurred her vision away.

He was now standing right in front of her, just a few inches between them, her gaze still fixed on the ground. "I face the same shit every day. I see the same victims and all those sick bastards. I see all those faces and go home to an empty apartment in the night. They are haunting me, as well. Can't you see that we aren't that different, Olivia?" She looked up into his eyes. She never thought that the cases hit him that hard. "I told you I'm here as a friend... and that's what I am." He put his hand gently on her upper arm.

"Okay," she mumbled biting down on her her bottom lip, debating what to do now. "Uhm... we could watch a movie?" she asked shyly wondering why there wasn't more strength in her voice.

"Sure. What do you have?" he asked following her back to the couch sitting down next to her, grabbing another slice of pizza.

"Funny Girl? I love that musical!" she said smiling at him for a moment.

"Then Funny Girl it is," he answered smiling. _She likes Funny Girl _- another thing he knew about her now. He lived for those little things.

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_**So, what did you think? :)**_


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